I ran into Santa recently and we had a nice chat over cookies and milk. He was considering new career choices and asked me what I’d do if I were him.
I quickly told him that I’d get a different job. Well, maybe not, the way unemployment is right now, but it’d be worth a try. I’d at least stop having white put on my traveling suit. Those chimneys turn it into read and soot! I’d also stretch gift delivery time into a lot longer than one evening! It must really tire out the reindeer to travel so far in one night, and who can afford to pay overtime anyway?
Another suggestion was that he request veggie snacks instead of cookies. I mean, hey, he didn’t get that tummy by eating too much rabbit food. And what’s with the milk? Why does everyone wat to put him to sleep when he has to travel around the world in one night – not eighty days! He needs a cup of coffee instead!
I’d get a GPS for Rudolph, too. He got mixed up one year and wrecked on a rooftop in Belize. There went Santa’s 120 year perfect driving record. And to add insult to injury, he had to give back the fold watch they gave him at the Santa Convention. Plus his insurance rates went up. You have no idea what the rates are to fly through the air with wild animals in the lead, no brakes, an open sleigh, and a fuzzy hat instead of a helmet!
And then there’s the Deer Union. Last year the reindeer went on strike. They wanted more greens in their eggnog. Why? For working one night out of the year? They couldn’t get that settled in time, so he had to hire sled, er, I mean sleigh dogs at the last minute but he couldn’t get any of them to take lead position. Santa had a battery operated flashing red nose for emergencies but none of the dogs would wear it. He had only one option left and that was a cantankerous old goat named Betsy. She finally agreed with the promise that she’d never have to eat dog food again.
A woman freaked out when she saw an old man and a sleigh dog team on her roof, led by a belligerent old goad with a red nose that kept falling off. She called 119 and Santa attempted to take off. His calls of “Now, Betsy! Now Boris! On Sheena@ On, Niska! didn’t do any good. He yelled, “Mush!” and the dogs took off, but Betsy didn’t. By the time he got order restored he heard the sirens.
One disillusioned Santa Claus, eight worn out dogs, and one very grouchy old goat settled back down at the North Pole. Santa decided he’d send out a memo for next year encouraging everyone to Go Green! Give cash! One size fits all wallets and no returns are needed. Meanwhile Santa thinks he’ll give his reindeer early retirement, wrap up their 104 A’s and get himself a bright red Holly Davison for next year’s travels . Ho-ho-ho – who wouldn’t go?
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